Measure of Life

When I was in high school I hung up a banner in my room with this quote on it:

"Life is not measured by the number of  breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away."

I loved English class and many quotes I came across were jotted down in a journal; this particular quote meant a lot to me. Yet as a sixteen year old girl who hadn't really experienced life in it's reality I couldn't even imagine what those big and often oh so simple moments would be that would take my breath away. Or that often those moments aren't noticed at the time but come as hindsight later on.

At eighteen, I never knew that at the graveside of my fathers' funeral when my eyes locked with Waynes' across the crowd through blurry vision, in a few weeks time would begin my journey towards a lifetime with him. A situation of irony: laying the most important male figure in my life to rest and on to a new beginning with the man who would become the most important male in my life. It takes my breath away.

 

Delighted in marriage and it's new beginnings, yet I was terrified at the thought of giving birth in the future. A positive sign left me in shocked silence as I contemplated that my world was really about to change. Almost two years after our wedding,2008, our firstborn was delivered into our arms. I went through four days of nurses tending us, many tears, little sleep and a body that felt like it would never recover. I remember the morning we left with our Hanna tucked into a car seat as the three of us sat in the car. I looked back half hoping a nurse was climbing in too and it hit me that this was up to us now, time to take our baby home and learn how to live life in a new way, many doubts and fears assailed me. It took my breath away.

Those newborn days were overwhelming for sure: constant care, falling into bed exhausted, adjusting to new routines and rediscovering my role that included wife and mother. The toddler stage didn't seem much easier with tantrums and a strong will staring me in the face. Yet looking back in Hanna's album as she often likes to do, I don't see the evidence of the trying, tiring moments. Page after page there is a sweet smiling girl wrapped up in cuddles and kisses, with her loved ones around her. Joy exuding her eyes as she takes in the world around her. I took time to snap the moment with a camera, why didn't I take more time to hold my breath and count the moment in my heart?

It seems I went through many growing pains with my firstborn and so many times I've feared that I've only done her wrong.  God shows me fruits of the labor though, through Hanna wrapping her arms around me every day as she reminds me how she loves me, through the moral concepts she has begun to understand, the songs she makes up about her family and Jesus, the hearts she cuts and pastes together for the people she loves and the forgiveness she gives me when I humbly apologize for my childish behaviour. The other day she cut out her drawing of Jesus, drew a bible and glued it to His outstretched arms and cut out little hearts that she pasted onto His body. I asked her to describe it to me and she said it was the big Jesus ( she also drew the baby Jesus) and He had the Bible to teach us what to do and the hearts were there because 'we give our hearts to put our trust in Him'. Simple Truth.  In that moment I really gave thanks that in all the anxious, frustrated breaths I've taken, He has moved His Spirit through my girl and that out of the mouths of children we have much to learn. It's breathtaking.

Jake. Much to our delight in 2011 we came home with a baby boy. Feeling better equipped the second time around, albeit busier, I took more time in the newborn days to rest at home as it was winter time. I wasn't so anxious to carry on with the other wants in life though definitely still a struggle at times to give up even more of my independence. He sure gave me run for my sanity with seven months of sleeplessness and gassy nights. So tired, so many breaths to take. At seven months it came to me that something had to give. I needed a change and that change was moving my baby downstairs to sleep by himself.  He slept through the night, the night after that and almost all night following. I don't know whether it was the timing, him needing space alone, quiet form the train outside or if his body was done working out its kinks but it worked. It left with me  a 'I can't believe it's working' breathlessness and took me a while to train myself back to sleep. Finally I was able to find some rejuvenation and focus again on life besides worrying about sleep.

 

Jake is less than a month away from turning two. He has a spirit that delights and brings many laughs, though the screeching has left us pulling our hair many times. Much of the screeching has been replaced by the world of words he has discovered. It's been so unique to watch a relationship form between him and Hanna. They are each so typically boy and girl. Hanna is in a Barbie and crafting world, while Jake has trains and semis in his hands wherever he goes with a different driving sound for each machine. Together they tickle, run like the dickens around the house, look at books and push each others buttons without mercy. And when they hug, they are just the perfect fit. I watch and realize how much they have changed me in the last couple of years, taught me more patience, gentleness, slower to anger and filled my cup to overflowing. They steal glances at us across the room, with mischief in their eyes and flash us smiles that stop time in its' track and our breath bursts out in laughter. Jake will steal too many breaths some day if he keeps up with his dimply grin, just like his Dad's smile stole mine.

Our family of four is soon to be five. My body creates more space every day to be filled with this growing baby, while we try to create more space in our small home to fill with another baby. Hanna reminds me every day that we are going to have a baby soon, as if I could forget that through the uncomfortable stretching and aches I feel each day. She is filled with glowing anticipation. Her mind is spinning on how this is all going to take place and ever so innocently asked me the other day if she could come with to the hospital to see God's special way of bringing the baby? I lose my breath and my mouth hangs in silence for a bit. I'm not ready for these four year old questions. I laugh and tell her that in due time she will know what God's special way is and it's left at that for now. I felt much anxiousness this past summer at the thought of handling three children but through the last month I have felt more peace replace the fear. The more I surrender my helplessness the more strength through faith I receive. I'm still not eager for the process but I know I can do it and He will get me through it.

This verse has recently spurred me on, not only for childbirth, but to help me through marriage, mothering and learning to be a woman that takes joy in the moment, one day at a time.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Phil 3:12.

I have many more moments to share and my post wil quickly turn into a short story if I don't stop for a bit. The moments will be continued in life and on the blog...

Christina

Embracing Death

I'm not trying to be morbid, but to be completely honest I'm drawn to the topic of death. As a child the idea of it haunted me, left me so frightened that death would too soon steal me away. I discovered early on in my teenage years that Ecclesiastes 3 would be a defining chapter in the course of my life. I take to heart that there is a purpose to everything that God allows, even death which is so often misunderstood. I never knew how real those words 'a time to die' would become when my father suddenly was gone. A time that really tests what a person claims to believe. Death brings sadness, shock, longing, finality, uncertainty. It's taken me several years to sort out my feelings, to ease the fears. When I started this blog it came natural to me that Ecclesiastes 3 would be at the heart of my writings and looking back at many of my posts I can see that people would think my mind is often on things of sadness and grief. I confess that is often where my mind is at, but not because I want to be sad or negative but I truly seek to learn from reality that these topics play in our life. It is through these times I truly find the answers I seek about God. In order to find answers one must be prepared to embrace the situations through which we find resolution.

Several weeks ago these verses struck me through our Bible Study book:

It is better to go to the house of mourning
than to go to the house of feasting,
for this is the end of all mankind,
and the living will lay it to heart.
 Sorrow is better than laughter,
for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

Ecclesiastes 7: 2-4

 

King Solomon, the author, reveals that it is helpful to think about death. I took from this passage that God uses death and sorrow to stir our hearts, not towards anger, but toward Him, to his purpose. That there is a beauty and gladness of heart to be discovered through pain and sorrow. It shouldn't make sense, not when in our humanness we want lives of safety, health and happiness.  It isn't easy to take pain as a gift, to understand the ways of Jesus above our own. This past year I have seen so many, loved ones and community members, deal with loss, disease and suffering and am so often left wondering 'Why'? Giving thanks in all these circumstances? For what? It doesn't make sense. King Solomon was that wisest man in the world. He prayed that God would give him wisdom and he was abundantly blessed with much knowledge. Only the more wisdom he imparted the less he failed to heed his own advice and spent much of his life apart from God. In the end he discovered the best knowledge of all: that apart from God, life was meaningless and empty, it didn't make sense. And so, when I can't make sense of life and its' futility I can only take his insight to draw myself nearer to the reasons of God. Death and it's eternal value leads me to making sense of life.

Yesterday I joined my husband in saying a final goodbye to his Grandpa who is lying there waiting for Jesus to take him home. I dreaded going at first because who really wants to face those final moments. My humanness wanted me to stay dis attached because it's hard to see death and not be taken back to my father's deathbed. Those verses above though reminded me that it would be okay, I would lay it to heart. My heart reached for the hearts of his children saying goodbye, for Grandma at his bedside. It's hard to say goodbye to a dad no matter what age or stage in life they are at. In the quietness of the room, God gave me a gladness of heart, for I began to understand what a beautiful picture was before me. I cry as I write this for I am truly thankful to have been in that room, to see  and feel the peace that was present. There he laid, a man with a lifetime of memories and days behind him, with only one purpose ahead: to join the Heavenly angel band. A man just as human as you and I, not a saint who has earned his way to Jesus, no more deserving of eternity than any other, yet he in his weeks of pain and suffering discovered the secret of letting go of all the temporal things of life and was ready to see the light of Eternity. Who could want anything else in the face of death. I could see on the faces of everyone that despite the sadness of goodbye they are passing him on to Eternal peace and freedom, to the One who truly loves him more than the love we earthly families can bestow. I expected beeps and monitors, and found that everything was turned off. There was no watching a screen. It would've been meaningless for all that matters now is waiting on the Lord. It was joy to sing at his bedside knowing that soon will come praises and songs we can only imagine. I came away ways from there feeling blessed by the experience. There was no fear, no shock. It was different from not being able to say goodbye to my Dad. It took much longer to find peace that way. We would all want to face death peacefully with loved ones  by the bedside, but we do not have the choice. I can say though that through two different experiences of goodbyes I have learned peace and meaning through both. No matter the process we are as grass, as Isaiah claims:

The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”

Isaiah 40: 7/8

 

God is the only one that remains. Let's seek him while he may be found. Solomon, despite his often negative view of life because of his neglect to heed to wisdom God gave him; encourages us to enjoy life by seeking purpose and meaning of life through God. Saying goodbye at a loved one's bedside without the hope of eternity would leave no reason to find meaning in life. It would feel useless. Solomon ends Ecclesiastes with this conclusion:

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
Ecclesiastes 12:13

 

So maybe it's not that morbid after all to embrace what death has to teach us, for if we seek the answers while we live then with confidence we can conclude that though we may not understand all mysteries, pains and struggles of life; we can believe that God takes us through them for a reason. That He may love and breathe us into his arms. I remember sitting as a young girl in a funeral home beside my dad, where he heard the song ''Safe in the Arms of Jesus" for the first time. We came home and he sang that song for weeks on end. He found gladness of heart in the house of mourning. Today I'm thankful for the reason to believe that he is Safe in Arms of Jesus. Jesus, who is ready every moment to receive more into his fold.

 

Grandpa is still breathing and I pray that his moments of slipping into the arms of Jesus will be moments of peace and that the Angel band will break into harmony.

 

 

 

Christina

Blessings and Books

It's Thanksgiving Monday, and I don't know if I've ever been more thankful for a grey and cloudcast day because, Hallelujah!, there are Heavensent puddles dotting the driveway. I just pray the rain keeps on coming. There is a peaceful silence in a morning such as this and I feel compelled to sit a little longer, breathe a little deeper and enjoy the moment. It seems fitting to have come across this quote today:

 “We need to find God, and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature—trees, flowers, grass—grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence. We need silence to be able to touch souls.”  - Mother Teresa of Calcutta

 

 

As soon as the stillness of fall arrives I love to delve into my passion of reading. I am so thankful for the gift of the written word. It changes the world, changes lives, changes the soul. I've been reading for several weeks now when I have spare time; whether it's time of devotion, a recipe book, doing homework in my Bible study book, a series of non-fiction or keeping up with my favorite blogs. I admit sometimes I get caught up in reading so much that my work slacks a little, the clean laundry stays kind of wrinkly and I only respond to the kids after several repeated questions. Sometimes I've used reading as an escape to find a fictional world different than my reality. Many times I read with a searching heart and it's amazing how so often I come across exactly what I need to hear, whether it something I need to change within myself, words that heal a wound and phrases that give new perspective. There is a miracle in picking up something to read without realizing when you start how much the words will apply uniquely to oneself and the moment you're in. Of course we found those miracles in many different sources, through music, relationships,nature,  pictures and so on. These gifts of teaching lead us to a better understanding and passion for our broken world. We are led through the mess to a path of thankfulness. I found some of that teaching through a novel I read this weekend. It's a powerful story that affects all of ones emotions, convictions and stirs the heart. A soul wrenching story about a young girls journey and the choices she makes to rise above the despair. I couldn't put it down and can't quit thinking about the character Millie Reynolds in the book "Into the Free" written by Julie Cantrell. Even if reading isn't your thing I would urge anyone to seek out this book. I will eagerly await a sequal and maybe reread this one.

 

 

Leaving you with a portion of the Author's words:

 

I am here. I am here for a reason. for something more than to just breathe, blink, swallow. I am worthy of happiness and love. Worthy of a good life filled with good people who love me in return.....I turn again to the words on the wall just as morning breaks through and beams of sunlight reach the wooden cross. It may make take a long time, but somehow I believe that the broken pieces of me will come back together. Someone, somewhere, is on my side.

 

Through this story I was reminded that Thanksgiving is not a day or a turkey dinner. It's looking back on our journey and finding blessings through the joys and pains of our life, through the times that led us away from Jesus and the times that we joined Him in his Grace again. That though we have control over our choices we are predestined to intersect with God's plan to bless us and when we search closely we can see clearly how much Thanks we have to offer back.

 

Not what we say about our blessings but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving. -W.T. Purkiser

 

 

 Christina

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turkey Talk

This past weekend I enjoyed the privilege of cooking a Thanksgiving meal for my In-Laws. It was a first time for me to cook a complete stuffed turkey dinner with the trimmings. In order to to avoid the anxiety I usually get with preparing for company I started two days in advance so that I could take things in stride. I stayed home Sunday morning while Wayne took Hanna to church so that I could get the turkey in the oven on time. It took me back to the days when my mom would stay home from church to cook her holiday meals. Dad I would come to savory smells and country gospel music on the radio. Sure enough, I got in two full hours of the Sunday Request Show and turkey in the oven by Twelve. It felt great to even get a nap in before company arrived. I woke up to a well done turkey and visitors at the door shortly after. It was a pleasure to have my mom-in-law work beside me in the kitchen, she did a beautiful job of carving the turkey that I'm sure I would've mutilated. And thanks to Brian 's forearms we had smooth and creamy mashed potatoes.

 

So the menu:

turkey with stuffing

mashed potaoes(mom and Brian) and gravy

peas and carrots, marinated carrots(mom)

cranberry jello salad, lovely fruit salad brought by Sonya

butterhorn rolls, rhubarb punch

pumpkin pie and banana cream pie

 

Menu for the next week? many turkey inspired meals as we hardly made a dent.

 

We realize at times like this how small our table is when our elbows are touching. However many hearts at the table is much to be thankful for.

 

 

After full bellies and a hot house we followed the kids outside. It was a beautiful evening for a bonfire. Mom suggested a family photo and so we wrangled the kids together, wiped dirty mouths and set ourselves up in front of the wood pile while the sun was quickly setting. Pretty good photo for  a self timed shot set up on a Little Tykes car.

 

 

Jake looking rather grown up these days with his curls trimmed away.

 

Here's me at around seventeen weeks with Hanna proudly patting. She asks me almost every day if my tummy is still growing. It surely is, as I'm starting to feel a bit like a stuffed turkey myself.

So one Thanksgiving feast down and a few more to go over the next weeks. I absolutely love this holiday. The thankfulness season sets the stage for the coming of Christmas. Each morning I look out in awe of the colors that are so refreshing after the dull dryness of this past summer. The vibrant colors paint a picture of how I want my life to portray living out the vibrancy of 1Thessalonians 5:16-18:  Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I pray that this beginning of October will be such a month, a new beginning of giving thanks in all things.

Christina

Birthday Wishes to You, Kassandra

 

Happy 18th Birthday to you,my sweet niece, Kassandra! Wasn't it just me who turned eighteen only a few short years ago? Or maybe it's already more years than it feels like, the only reality is that time sure flies.

You were the cutest brown eyed, brown haired little girl coming to Grandpa and Grandma's on weekends. We just adored your sparkling eyes and big, flashing smile. I have to admit to being slightly jealous, as I was used to being the baby of the house until you'd come in the door. Mind you, my days of sitting on laps and getting all the hugs and kisses were over by then. When you came though, they let it all slide, if you wanted ice cream for breakfast, you would get ice cream. As if I was allowed to that. Haha, I'm not bitter though.  However, I may have to apologize for sometimes acting like a mean, older sister. I would tickle and tease you till you cried, bounced you too high on the trampoline when you didn't want to be bounced and who knows what else. Glad we've grown out of that phase and I get to just be the best Aunty now!!

 

I'm so proud of the beautiful woman you've grown to be. I felt privileged to be part of the family  who was able to celebrate with you on your Graduation Day this past year. You certainly were the 'Belle' of the ball. Your Grandpa certainly is smiling down on you too, he would be so proud of you. When I'm around you, and see your funny humour come out, your smile and eyes, I see my Dad's similar characteristics shine through you. He loved the weekends when you came. I remember him trying to teach you German phrases and holding you on his lap alot. Grandma was so excited about your Graduation and she often speaks so proudly of you.

 

 

My prayer for you, Kassandra, is that wherever you may go in life, that you will remember there is One who longs to walk the way with you. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord
 

 

 I pray your confidence as woman will blossom as you face life beyond high school. That no matter what comes your way, your eyes will not lose their sparkle nor your smile dimmed. The road may twist and turn  but may you always remember that you have a family that holds you very close to heart.

 

We love you, Kassandra.

 

Christina

Blushing Brides

Hanna has been asking me for months to wear my 'bride' dress. She's all about being a bride someday like mommy and she looks at our wedding picture often. I kept stalling her as it seemed like too much effort to get out the dress. However, this past Sunday was our wedding anniversary and so it seemed like perfect timing to play dress up. Her eyes lit up and excitement bubbled over when I told she could be my bridesmaid and wear the veil.

I have to admit I was a little excited myself to wear my dress again. I think no matter how old we get, there is a ''little girl wanting to be princess'' in all of us. We both started twirling and gliding around, all smiles and giggles. I teased Wayne that I was his blushing young bride again. The groom though, wasn't too eager to dress up; so he got the photographer's position.

After our photo shoot, I had to convince Hanna that I couldn't wear my dress all day but said she could have the veil to play with, much to her delight. So now the dress is packed away again, maybe I'll pull it out on our tenth anniversary. I actually would love to do professional photos again as we seemed to have missed the wave of photography that we see now in our local community. Our pictures almost seem outdated. Might be difficult to convince the groom to do that over again. So for now I downloaded a free demo for photo editing and had fun tweaking these pics. 

Hope she will always feel like she's a little princess, and hold onto that child-like wonder for many years.

So thankful for the blessing of marriage to this man I love. I hope that our children will learn by our example, that they will see our bond only growing stronger. Through our roles as husband and wife I pray that we will raise up sons and daughters that will someday yield the values and hearts needed for for the marriage journey. We have all kinds of ups and downs, but each day it comes down to making a choice to love, forgive the greivances, accept the differences, change as we are convicted and rest in the assurance that this is God's work.

Song of Solomon 2:16 - My beloved is mine and I am his...

Christina

Passing Storm

''My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I AM STRONG. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I hardly know where to begin. The last several days have taken the thoughts and hearts of many to a young woman who is very dear to many of us. To share her sorrow, feel the depth of her pain and the aching wish to help ease that saddness as she says goodbye to the man she dreamed of a lifetime with. The kind of goodbye no one wants to say.

After the days of rain I stepped out to marvel at the beads of water collected on the plants. It reminded me of the collective sadness we as families, friends and communities feel when tragedy strikes. We pour ourselves out, raining down tears, compassion and efforts of comfort though the sharing of songs, prayers, verses on Facebook, through phone calls or travelling the distance to be with those mourning. It`s a stormy time, like we are clouds pulling together in pursuit of releasing the pain, the `whys`, the humanness that hampers our understanding of tradegies.

There is strength in a storm. A strength that rises out of the storms of our hearts as we band together to call on Christ`s power, a grace so sufficient.
Grace that forgives our questioning, doubting humanness.
Grace that gives us a measure of understanding that it`s all for a purpose, according to His plan.
Grace that heals, soothes, and gives hope.
Grace that teaches us to count joy in all circumstances.
Grace that promises no earthly security, but only that He will walk with us through all situations.
Grace that uses the life of one person to band together the hearts of many.

Do you see that, through the storm, there is power so infusing that we are like the plants, soaking up drops of God`s inifinite Grace. That these are teaching moments for us all. We may feel weakness through the heartaches of our lives, but we are people designed to be healed. Our bodies fight to close up open wounds and so our broken spirits long to be healed. As rain nurtures a plant, The Healer nurtures with His Grace. To bind up our wounds. Psalm 147:3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

Ìt`s hard to see clearly through the storm, leaving us wondering whether we`ll ever see clearly again. Storms always pass though, even the storm that wiped out most of mankind came to an end to bring up again the beauty of earth and the promise of a rainbow.
I know a rainbow will shine down on my dear cousin as she weathers this storm of her life. I pray that through the pain, though it always leaves a lasting impression, she may find a peace that passes all understanding. That someday looking back she will see more clearly, That she will rise up and be called blessed to have shared a brief time with a man through whom she saw the image of God, in whose presence she may have an eternity.

A life cut short is not a life wasted at all. We all have just enough time.

I think God allows hardship so that in alleviating it, we might understand his mercy.-author unknown

Christina